20-Something Questions and Advice

	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I
1		What's your 20-something question about life? (Please keep questions fairly brief)	Got a helpful suggestion? Add it here and in the rows to the right (Sign your responses with your first name!)

2	Iris	How do I try forming durable attachments to people when I have no clue where I'm going to be in a year's time? How do you navigate opening up to someone, and forming emotional attachments, when so much is in flux?	Your 20's is about networking and going with the flow. The relationships that are meant to last will. Work more on building an empire and setting yourself up for success. Friends will come along the way. The best friends to make in your 20's are older than you. Maybe much older. Find mentors in your 20's. Everyone your age is just around for fun and most of them just for now.	Opening yourself to friendship and connection isn't bound by borders and state lines! Having friends in many places is a great thing. And bear in mind that even if YOU settle on a place, the people you become friends with still have the option to continue moving themselves. Don't let that scare you off from relationships that you will enjoy. - Margaret	Some of my best friends I made in my early 20s, and they moved away. I'm still in touch with them even though they live far. My best friends have gotten me through a divorce and even though they weren't right there when it happened, they listened to me every night on the phone and hosted me for Thanksgiving when I needed to be around friends. Good friends will always be there, just go with the flow. In regards to relationships, I think you just start dating people and enjoy the moment. If you know you'd like a long term relationship try to find someone who wants something similar, but don't force it and just let it develop.	Just go with the flow. Intimacy can happen so fast in your twenties because you're still becoming yourself and finding your life path. If you really connect with someone, don't worry about where it's going, just enjoy it now. If you want to stay connected as you move through different lives, you will. Most of my closest friendships now are with people I met in my twenties, even if we were only in physical proximity for short periods of time. It's true that it's harder later on to make friends, as you become more formed and more cautious, and your life becomes focused on partners, family, and career. So enjoy yourself, don't worry about it, and reach out to the people around you who you admire and feel a spark with. The friendship will take its own path.	For me, finding great friends has always been hard. So if I find someone I click with, I go for it, even when I know they are moving away shortly. It's totally worth it. Especially in this day and age, there are many ways to stay connected even long distance (I talk and text some friends nearly every day). Also: you never know where life will take you and others. You don't know where you or they will be, so don't assume there will be loss--you may both land in the same next place--or that the loss will be unbearable.
3	Tanya	How do I navigate the friendship/// pond a little more smoothly. I feel like I fall into relationships with people and I don't catch the warning signs until its too late...How do I elegantly just retract myself from a once intimate, now untrustworthy relationship with the least possible distruction? yyeey	If they have become untrustworthy, then they already ruined the relationship and you don't need to worry about being elegant. Life is too short to keep people around that you can't trust.	When this friend reaches out, you can communicate that you are busy, continually excusing yourself from hanging out. Or you can have the conversation and communicate to them that you no longer want to spend time with them because they are hurting you. I've taken both paths when ending friendship and while the conversation is uncomfortable, I found it was the best route to take. I stumbled across a book in my mid-twenties about adult friendships ending and found it so insightful. I can't seem to remember the title, but when I did a quick Google search a few options popped up. Read up on it. Friendship break ups can be just as traumatic as adult ones, but we don't give them the same attention and sympathy -Bria	I am going through the same thing right now, and am interested in hearing what others have to say on the issue. I have had this happen at least 2-3 times in a graduate program. I am still around these people every day and have to act professional. I guess my follow up to this question would be how do you avoid getting intimate with these people in the first place? I feel like I have invested time in people only to discover later that they were untrustworthy or racist or something else. Is there even a screening process for your friends?
4	Kelli	Does it suck this much for everyone, or just me? We all graduate, and then go our separate ways. Some stay in the college town, others start jobs in new cities with friends, others in cities with no friends. How do you create a new life in a new place and establish new friends and social routines? What does adjustment look like after college?	Put yourself out there even when it doesn't get you anything in return. Going out alone, seeking out Meetup groups, volunteering— these all prepare you to embrace the awkwardness of being the outsider. But that's a good thing! Feeling comfortable in your own skin and exposing yourself constantly to new people and new situations makes you a social chameleon. Friendships take time, so just be patient with yourself and with others.	The hardest thing about this time is making new friends I think. In college, you just make friends with who's around. Now you're going to have to work at it. Join clubs on meetup.com. Go out by yourself. If you get invited to ANYTHING, GO. I have made friends at random parties I've gotten invited to. The key is, go out and DO things. When you're out there, you'll find like minded people. But you have to be out there doing it. Once you find that one person that's on your wavelength, they'll introduce you to more people and it will grow more organically.	It's really hard for A LOT of people! I have moved a lot, and am a shy, introverted, nerd, so initially thought it was just me that struggled with making friends in new places. But then I started observing and talking with other people about my challenges, and realized it's hard for everyone--even my highly social, extroverted, very energetic older sister (who has moved repeatedly b/c of her husband's job). Before her last move, my sister thought she wouldn't even bother making friends in the next stop, since it would only be for two years. I wrote her a long email with all my advice about making friends as an adult--and why it's worth it for "just" two years. (One of my best friends--a true soul friend--was in town for just two years, but I wouldn't give up that time together and we are still close.) Here is the blog that email turned into: http://insightsandinspiration.net/2017/04/08/patient-work-making-friends-adult-part-1/. I hope it helps. And remember to be persistent and also take care of yourself along the way; I still go back to NY regularly to get a soul refill with great, long-term friends.	It sucks for everyone. When I moved to a new state/city, I kept thinking to myself, "How do I get IN with these folks?" The more I listened to people here, the more I heard them saying things like, "I really need to get out more." or "I don't have enough friends" which made me realize everyone was looking for an IN to community - no matter how long they'd lived here. So, I just started inviting people over for dinner, out to coffee, etc. It works better to develop friendships on a person to person level, because it build intimacy/trust/accountability. Then, I'd start to plan potlucks, group gatherings, etc. People are more likely to come to a group gathering if there is a personal relationship strong enough to pull them. I've lived in my new city for a year now, and all those relationships I sowed over coffee/dinner are starting to grow into something substantial (not all, but enough!). - Ellen	I also moved to a new city after graduating and didn't know anyone there aside from a few loose acquaintances. Oh yes, it sucks. One of the biggest shifts I have come to terms with is how I manage my social circles and the energy I invest in them. College is easy to invest a little energy into a lot of people because everyone is there. Leaving that college bubble and living alone in a new city, I have found it very rewarding to invest a lot more energy into a few people once I find them; the volume of people you connect with will not be as full as when you were in college perhaps, but you'll make quite the meaningful connections with the few important people soon enough. -Kevin	Same - I moved to a new city after graduating and knew literally no one. Also, my office is tiny and only one other person is my age. Finally I took the plunge and asked if she wanted to go to a trivia night with me. She brought her roommates and we've done several things together since then. Even if you have terrible social anxiety like me, and you kind of hate it the whole time you're hanging out with someone new, it's a necessary evil if you feel even worse sitting at home. Also, dating apps are your friend! It helps that I love sex and don't mind hooking up, but casual dating is a great way to get to know the city and make new friends. Last, even if you hate it, that's okay! You can leave after a year, or 6 months, and go someplace where you have a stronger social circle. You're allowed to spend time miserable and wanting to move, and it's okay to make detours when you realize you're doing something you don't like or living somewhere you can't be happy. - Emily
5	Amy	How do I know who to keep in my life? I've learned a lot about who I am and what I care about in the past couple years. As my friends and I from earlier in life, move in different directions -- and have differing motivations, careers, and values -- how do I know when to let go?	Someone once explained it to me in terms of energies. Are they sucking your energy, or giving you energy? If you dread talking to them on the phone, or don't want to see them because you know you won't enjoy yourself, well... this one might be one to let go. That might just be a relationship that served a purpose in a specific time for you. Whereas, there are the friends that you are excited to see, and spend money to visit, and talk to for an hour on the phone.. even if it's just one or two; that's a pretty good barometer for whether they are worth continuing to invest in.	How do you know when to let go? You know. You maybe just aren't honest about it with yourself.	This sounds horribly cliché, but if they wouldn't be there for you when you need them most, like when your car is broken down on the highway at 2am, or when you experience loss and grief, they shouldn't make the cut for long term friendship. We all have fair weather fun friends, but the amount of time and love you invest on them should be based on how much they value you in return. This may cause you to reflect when you think about this. Sometimes, I had to ask myself some hard questions about if I was showing someone how much they meant to me all the time, or just when it was convenient.	When things feel like an obligation or it feels so hard to meet up and it's not fulfilling. It doesn't need to be a concerted or malicious act either. I think in the Facebook generation, we're always in perpetual contact of some sort and we've forgotten in a weird way the, "we just grew apart" and "we just fell out of touch." It can just happen naturally or it's intentional on one end. If you dont' say anything the nice thing is that you can always cycle back later in life if you find yourself in the same city or something or day "fancy a catch up?" Maybe 5 years down the line you have more in common, who knows!
6	Thea	What advice do you have for those who are single while all of their friends seem to be getting married and having babies? How can I better embrace this chapter of life?	Take this valuable time to get to know yourself. Figure out what your hobbies, passions, and goals are and nurture them. Spend time on projects you want to complete or new things you want to try. Think about moving cities, especially if that is something you've always wanted to do. In my personal experience in being in a serious relationship, it gets harder to carve out time to do the things you want to do because of your co-dependence. Your partner will have needs that take time and energy. You have to check in when going somewhere after work or making plans. One specific thing I'm dealing with currently with my partner is that I really want to move cities but my partner doesn't, so we're stuck in that weird place of wanting different things but deciding we want to be together. There are tons of benefits to having a partner who loves you and wanting to start a life with them, but don't wish away the time you have being completely independent. Hope that helps! -E	I got married when I was 25 and had my son at 27. It is so much harder to figure out who you are when you are in a serious relationship and even harder with a kid. If I were in your place I would embrace whatever my dreams are as much as I could. Really invest in what makes you feel fulfilled. I know that sounds super cliché but when you are young and single it is so much easier to experiment and decide how you want to use your time well. It is also easier to take life risks when you aren't in a relationship and don't have kids.	Don't assume you have to discard friends when they start having kids. One of the greatest joys of my life has been getting to spend time with the children of my oldest friend. (That friend, btw, could drink me under the table, and was always up for fun - with or without the offspring along.) Don't pass up the chance to be pals with the next generation, it's enriching for everyone involved. - Margaret	It is worth waiting for the right person! Sounds super cliche I know, but I wanted to get married in my mid-twenties, but I didn't meet my dream guy until I was almost 31. As others have said, take the time to figure you out, enjoy the freedom, and find what you DON'T want in a relationship. Then when you find what you do want, it will be all the more blissful and certain! And, you'll have cool life experiences under your belt that you might not be able to do when you're partnered up or a parent. That will make you feel even more grounded in your relationship and yourself. Also, my mom gave me good advice when I was 30 and jealous of my married friend who had just had a second kid: you don't know all of what she's given up and/or settled for. It may appear perfect from the outside, but it's the old grass is always greener phenomenon! Celebrate what you have now. -Claire	Being the "single friend" can be tough. Here are some things that have helped me. Do things purely for your own enjoyment and because they bring you joy. Want to see a new film, but all your friends are busy? Go anyway. Interested in a dance class but are afraid you won't know anyone? Sign up anyway. Just get out and do things with the only end goal being your own happiness. Will it be awkward because you are surrounded by strangers? Yes. Is it scary? Sure. Will it get better? Absolutely! Take baby steps if you need, but doing things alone is honestly a lot of fun. And the bonus is that you can still extend the invite to friends and sometimes their schedules might open up and then you get to share your joy with people you love. Also...only date if you really want to date. Burn out is super easy in this dating world. Fortunately you are in no way obligated to go out on dates because society pressures you to. - Melissa	A little more jaded but more practical--make new friends who are single. Don't abandon your married friends--you'll want to hope when you get to their stage in life they'll have time for you on your few available hours. But understand kids are time consuming and life outside of that is just exhausting. Take this time to explore new hobbies and make friends with new and interesting people to expand your social circle. Meetups and volunteering are a good and less awkward way to do that (I recommend music festival volunteering).
7	Katie	How do you find your sense of community when you are no longer in college, have moved away from your hometown, etc? How do you find that sense of belonging when you are pretty much just commuting back and forth to your job?	Everyone says this: join a group, find someone with similar hobbies. I have so many friends that have made BFFs from meet-ups or book clubs. Think about it, you have to go to these big events, but you really only have to vibe with ONE person. Once you find one person, they might introduce you to more people you'll vibe with. That kind of attitude helps me gear up to attend big group things that I may not be inclined to attend normally.	I know this is probably a non-starter for a lot of people b/c religion comes with a lot of baggage, but when I moved to a new city for my husband's job (I was job searching and didn't know anyone!) finding an inclusive, welcoming church community made the all the difference. I also went the extra mile and made cookies and introduced myself to my new neighbors - they then invited me to a party and I joined their book club! I'm still in the bookclub three years later. -Ivy	I struggled with this a lot when moving especially living out of town at first. I made a few work friends. Luckily, I work at a big university, so sometimes I would see a younger female (I am a younger female) drop paperwork off in my office, look that person up on the uni website, and email asking if they were new, wanted to grab lunch etc. So not necessarily coworker friends but "work" friends not in my department. But I also went truly out of my comfort zone and used Meetup.com. I HATED that I was "that person" looking to the internet for friends, but I had luck and meet a couple great people. Cool thing is, I only went to a couple of events I wanted to go to anyway but couldn't rope my boyfriend into. It gets better, I promise. It was about 1.5 years until I felt like I belonged, and felt VERY lonely up until that point. -Kate	TLDR; Find your city's young professionals group & join the rec sports leagues! I suggest finding the young professionals group for your city! When I first graduated college and moved to a new city, I found the young professionals group and luckily it's a large organization with lots of events and rec sports leagues. My group of friends here is all because I decided to join a coed rec fall softball league. What made it even better is that because of the setting, everyone else there was looking to make friends too! All awkwardness of setting out to find friends went away because we were just a group of people in similar stages of life, having fun. -Anna	I would suggest joining a club for a specific kind of sport or activity, such as kickboxing, rock climbing, pilates, krav maga, yoga, cycling, gymnnastics or another sport that you fancy getting good at. By joining one of these, you obtain a common goal with all the other members of that club: to get good at that sport while improving your physical fitness. This gives you something in common to use as a conversation starter, either by providing moral support by cheering them on when they are challenging themselves or by asking for tips on how to improve your own skills from more experienced members. Depending on the sport or the club, you may even be offered the opportunity to become an instructor there and have students that can make you feel like a more important part of that community. There's also the whole physical fitness thing you would be improving too, killing the proverbial second bird with one stone. -Drake	Hey Katie, this question of community has really plagued me most of my life. I moved around a lot growing up, sometimes twice a year. (side note: Alice Merton's 'No roots" would be my childhood theme song). I am use to saying good bye for good to people. To add insult to injury, I am also an introvert. It was in my fourth year of university when I first noticed I was really lonely and that I longed for a community. My grandparents were immigrants, my mom moved around a lot, my family is scattered around the globe. When people ask me where I am from, I don't even know what to say. Where I am living now is the longest I've lived somewhere in adulthood (2.5 years) and what I have found is that volunteering has been what gave me a sense of community. I'm 30 years old now and for the first time, I feel apart of something larger than myself and it has really defined who I am as an adult - Amanda
8	Danielle	A question I wish I asked myself in my 20's is WHAT DO I WANT? Not what do I think I am supposed to do, not what do my parents want, but what do I want? It took me until my early 30's to figure out what I really want. Don't get me wrong, I loved my 20's...well, my mid-late 20's but I wish I knew sooner what I wanted and how to go out and get it. I wasted my time with the wrong guys and the wrong friends, trying to figure out what I want. I should have spent more time with me, reflecting and thinking and coming up with a plan. I don't regret the fun I had, but I may feel more achieved in my mid-30's now if I had planned better and more practically instead of doing what I wanted WAY too late.	I wouldn't think of those years as "wasted time," but rather important experiences that led you to the place you are now.
9	Abby	How do you deal with death of a friend in their 20s - particularly suicide? How do you grieve a life lost so young, and by their own action? How do you handle the sadness, mixed with guilt and regret?	Suicide is one of the hardest grieving processes in my opinion. Talk to your community, and look out for your community. Sometimes suicide can cause more suicide. As for what to do, seek out a therapist. Be quiet. Sit still. Let time go by. Have hobbies. Eat food. Drink water. Take it slow. Be nice to yourself. You can't change what happened, and you will never, ever have all the answers. That was the hardest part for me. I wanted to know why, so badly. It took me years to realize that I would neve rknow why. She was gone, and I would never know why. And my only responsibility, my only task, was to learn to be okay with that. Understand that suicide grief is a special kind of grieving process. Read about it, there's a lot of material out there. Time helped me more than anything. I'll never forget my friend who ended her life. You'll never forget yours. Do things in his or her honor. I'm very sorry you're going through this.	When you lose a friend... I think you lose a part of yourself. Because in a friendship, you reflect back pieces of yourself. You have a little piece of that person in your heart and they have a little piece of you. And when someone dies that leaves you a little less whole. It hurts. It's hard to get out of bed. It's hard to believe in a world without angels or signs or something bigger. Its hard to think about time, and how it keeps going but their time has stopped. It's weird, its shocking. Time is the most painful thing, but its also the only thing that will make you feel better.	It's been almost three years since one of my good friends killed himself. I still think about him occasionally-- wonder what he'd say about the latest season of Game of Thrones, wish he could advise on the paint color for my kitchen, miss his off-key singing voice. It's going to hurt... but sit down and write all of the memories you can manage to squeeze out of your brain. Collect them in a special journal or on little slips of paper in a jar. Then put them out of sight. The memories are not lost and they also won't constantly cloud your mindscape now that they've found a place to live. Also recognize that ultimately, every person gets to choose whether or not to live the life they're given. It's up to them to continue it or end it. So please, PLEASE do not blame yourself. It's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done to prevent this. Again. It is not your fault. Wish you healing. -Meg
10	Anzra	I live with my boyfriend of 3+ years but if I move for a new job I could make up to a 50% salary increase. My boyfriend doesn't want to move as he is saving money to buy a home. I know plenty of long-term relationships survive but how do I come to terms with making a decision to move away and live seperately from my significant other to further my career?	I got divorced in my early 30s. I didn't move in my early 20s so I could stay with him. Looking back, I think it's more worth it to put effort into being able to support yourself. You never know what could happen, and after my experiences, I find being able to support myself independently is incredibly important. If he loves you, he'll understand that. It doesn't mean you don't value your relationship with him. If he's worth it, he'll put the effort into a long distance relationship.	I think this question may take some prioritizing. How important is your career to you? Is this job a "dream job" or a necessary "next step" in your career path, or is it just the money making you think about moving? Would spending a year or two in this job creat valuable networking connections, or give you valuable experience 'time' towards future job goals? On the relationship front - how stable does your relationship feel? Would you both benefit from some space? Have you spent time apart before? What issues arose? Would there be significant strain by living apart? Would you resent your BF if you didn't take this job, and things became worse in your relationship later - will you blame him? Many questions, but I think thinking about these things and writing them down, maybe thinking about what's important to you in your life right now may help. I journaled SO MUCH in my twenties, and I don't read them back, but the process of thinking and writing really helped me work out a lot of issues. -Anna	This is a hard one, balancing your career with your love life. I did the long distance thing for 8 summers (my now-husband was a forest firefighter and would be gone April to October). It made the time together very special, but the time apart was difficult. I feel like our life was on pause while he was away, but because we got together so young, I felt that it was the space I needed to come into my own. I also felt resentful because I watched my friends carry on with their lives and we were in purgatory. I don't think it is a cut and dry answer. My mom gave up her career to be with my dad and I know she regrets it. But the flip side, my husband got on a fire department and we moved, and although I gave up my career that I had put a lot of time and money into, I actually found my dream career, quite unexpectedly in our new town... life isn't some clear cut path. This might sound cheesy, but I would do up a pro and con list. Seeing it on a piece of paper, my mind would always drift to one side or the other.... - Amanda
11		How do I give myself the permission to do the things I want in my career and life? My parents, boyfriend and friends are emotionally supportive, but for some reason I just feel like my feet are stuck in the mud. I've thought about hiking the AT trail, moving out west and becoming a river guide, becoming a full-time yoga teacher. All those things really excite me, but for some reason I'm sitting here at a desk in my office and I really wish I wasn't.	Do it now. Just go for it when you don't have that many responsibilities yet. You'll have time later to make it up, but it won't hurt you to do a "gap year". You don't need anyone's permission but your own to do things. Stop waiting for approval from other people and live your own life. No one else but you is living it.	Go see a psycologist. It helps. - Dominic	What are the fears keeping you where you are? No one will ever give you "permission" to do what you need to do, and doing what excites you now will build a good foundation of self-care and self-analysis for the future. You have time! Maybe you're saving money, or feeling like those activities make you less "grown up" or something, but living with regret later on is sometimes worse than just doing what you can in your twenties. It becomes a lot harder to do these things as money and jobs and other life responsibilites grow. (Also, therapy does wonders for just giving yourself permission to think about these things more in depth)- Anna	My sister did just that, she gave up her career and became a yoga instructor. She loved it,but found that she needed to make more money because she wanted to purchase real estate so she returned to her first career part time. Point is: if you make this decision and it turns out not to be what you expected, you can create another fork in the road and go down another path. One thing though, be smart with your money so that you don't get stuck and have to make decisions based on your bank account and not your passion. I was there once but got myself unstuck - Amanda
12		I have this fear that I won't have anyone that I truly care about in my wedding bridal party. I'm not anywhere close to getting married but I see my friends having weddings and it stresses me out. Especially since my boyfriend is so outgoing and social... he could have 8 people in his party, and I'm more of an introvert. I don't even have any sisters! I have a brother! So... do I have to have bridesmaids? Is this fear crazy and stupid? I wish I didn't care. I wish other people/family didn't care!	I've attended a few weddings with no bridesmaids or just the bride's sister as the MOH. My mother has no sisters, so her best friend was her MOH. That's it. Do. what. you. want. Not what the "typical" wedding calls for. Or, have your brother be the Man of Honor! - Liz	A recent wedding I attended had 7 men and 1 woman in the wedding party--4 men were "bridesmen" and the groomsmen included one "groomswoman". - Jessica	At our wedding my husband's best friend from high school had the role of Best Man (or as she referred to it "2nd best woman"!)	I'm getting married next year, and my fiance and I will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen! I've been an introvert since forever, and I just don't have lasting relationships that mean anything to me outside of my fiance at this point. I think in my 20s I might have cared, but now - nope. My family is lucky they get to come to a wedding at all!	You're not required to have any. We had our two sisters act as witnesses and then probably 20-30 other people involved in the Mass and dinner/dancing. We were focused on jobs rather than ceremonial groups of people standing next to you. When I see wedding photos from friends now, I see that most have people who they are no longer close to or in contact with. Shed the idea that you have to have a bridal party. You don't.
13	Rachel	Should work pants cup the butt or should there be a straight line from the butt to the leg? This has been driving me crazy.	Whatever makes you feel most comfortable in your clothes, and of course depending on the nature of your work. Observe what others wear, but to some extent, that shouldn't matter either. Which kind of pants do you do your best work in?	Have you considered wearing skirts instead?	I think a gentle cup of the rear is ok, but when I can see the outline of pockets on someone's butt, I always suspect it's because they're gaining weight (I may be a terrible person, I know). I think work pants can still be form fitting, but they should be looser than you would wear jeans. Just my opinion!	Depends on your work environment. I work in a more laid-back office (nonprofit) so I wear Uniqlo legging-pants that cup my butt but aren't too tight.	Try Old Navy Pixie Pants!	I second the reccomendation of Old Navy Pixie Pants! I'm a teacher and I think they are 100% suitable for a school (modest, but not really businessey) environment.
14	Ashley	Does everybody else go to bed after midnight and get up at or before 6am too?Am I going to be sleepy all the time for the rest of my life?	Dude! Set an alarm for bedtime, just like you set an alarm for wake time. I've done this and it's changed my life. If you have an iPhone you can go into the Clock app and set a bedtime with a soothing reminder a half hour before you're suppose to go to sleep. -Sara	Go ahead and let yourself get enough sleep by going to bed before midnight sometimes. You won't miss anything. And when you're in your late 40s, you'll get to experience all this again, with the onset of middle-age insomnia! - Margaret	God no! I go to bed between 9 and 10 most nights. I still feel sleepy sometimes but at least I'm getting a decent amount of sleep. Gotta get my zzzzs! - Jessica	I DO! but, i've also never NEEDED a ton of sleep. My emotions effect my sleep patterns quite a bit though. In a recent dark time, I was averaging around 3 hours a night. but generally around 5-6 is enough for me. I do try to get more, because i know it is better in the long run... So, i have my phone set to remind me to start winding down around 10, and i also stop getting notifications after then too.	Ask your doctor about Melatonin. Also, some sleep tips here http://www.sleepeducation.org/essentials-in-sleep/healthy-sleep-habits - Dominic	I have always been a night owl and get more done after 9pm than I ever will before 10am (I'm a walking zombie in the morning), but if you can function by going to bed late and waking up early, then by all means--do it! Your body will eventually tell you to slow down and go to bed early on occasion. Until then, follow your inner clock. Just be aware of the friends/family that go to bed earlier than you so you don't disturb them with texts/phonecalls. -Krista	Have you set all of your phone and computer screens to turn orange from sunset to sunrise? The blue light coming from most of your digital screens (or your apartment lighting for that matter) may be disturbing your circadian rhythm. If you're on a Mac, theres a free program called f.lux that can adjust this automatically for you. The url is justgetflux.com. Their facebook posts also cover a lot of how lighting can negatively affect your natural sleep rhythm if you want to learn more. -Drake
15	Christina	How do you build deep connections/best friendships with people later in life? I have never had best friend. I have good friends that I can go to the movies with, see a concert with, chat about books, etc., but most of my friendships have not evolved deeper than that. I often find myself in third-wheeling situations where two friends are much closer to each other, and I am there for the ride -- no matter how much I try to reciprocate. I have always idealized BFF relationships like Fey & Poehler, Gayle & Oprah, etc. I understand those relationships may not be picture perfect, but I wondered when I would have such a deep bond with someone. I have tried different strategies, but nothing has seemed to work. As I get older (I don't have a huge family network closeby), I fear that I won't know the wonderful experience that is best friendship(s).	I have found that being super vulnerable and open will lead to people (particularly women) feeling instantly connected to you, or at the least, interested in continuing to be around you. Talk about how it's hard for you to make friends, talk about the things you are stressed about and scared about, and how you've never done XYZ or you like XYZ, even if (especially if) it's "weird," "taboo," etc. I've found that when I talk about those things like at a networking event (obviously keep it professional, but you can definitely keep it real at the same time) or a happy hour or something, people are instantly like, whoa she's interesting. My go-to is self-deprecating humor too so people really like it. And I've found that people that most authentic version of yourself can really lead to people being drawn to you, and fast.	First, be picky with your friends. My best friendships are always with people I hold in high esteem and think are super cool. Make sure you are inviting them to things and show your interest in them. Make sure some of these invites are one-on-one! Put yourself out there a bit. After a while of this, you can kind of gauge if they are interested in being friends, because they will invite you to things as well. If they never reciprocate ever, and never expressly say why (for example I had a friend who was very shy and told me it was difficult for her to initiate, her telling me that was her way of letting me know she was interested in being buds, but wasn't always able to reciprocate in initiation--no problem) then it's best to drop it and move on. Okay great, now you have a friend. How do they become your best friend? Typically I find, I establish the best connections with people after we have a vulnerable conversation, and these types of conversations almost ALWAYS happen near the end of the night. So I invite said friend to hang out late, and maybe as we are walking home from a fun thing, I will strike up a more meaningful conversation, and whammo, that plants the seed of becoming best buds.
16	Caitlin	How do I keep meaningful relationship with friends who are all at different stages in their lives? I have friends who are married, friends with kids, friends who are divorced, friends who are married and possibly looking to divoce. I am married, but besides that I feel like I can no longer relate to my friends who have kids or went through a divorce and are now single. These are literally my best friends from grade school and I am afraid our life long friendships will slowly wither away to nothing since we dont all have the same life experiences in common any more to talk about. Before it was all about school, college, boys, sororities etc...now its like a struggle to keep a good conversation going. So much that I find myself trying to think of topics to keep on reserve to bring up the next time one of them calls so there isnt a lull of awkwardness in the conversation.	You guys need to broaden out your conversation to more than your own immediate experience. Are you interested in popular culture? Hobbies? Politics? Do you read books? Actually, if you read more books, maybe they'll give you insights on the experiences you haven't had yet but your friends are going through, and you can muster up a little interest in them. Or you can discard people who have meant a lot to you since childhood because you're not all in the same experiential place. I'll give you a hint, though - even if you do that, you actually can reconnect to them later in life when you have all gone through all this stuff and are now at the same life stage again (losing parents, partners, retiring...) It can be done. - Margaret	Low-hanging fruit—like trying to start an article club, which is way less intimidating & easier to commit to than a book club. https://cupofjo.com/2014/10/an-articles-club/
17	Isabel	How do you make friends when you don’t like doing the things that people do to make friends? I feel like everyone forms connections around going out late at night and partying and drinking, and that’s just not me. I’m an introvert and I moved to a big new city alone, so should I suck it up for the sake of meeting people?	What do you like to do? If you most enjoy sitting at home alone, you will not meet anyone there. Everyone has not, and never have exclusively made friends while drunk in a club at 1am. (Not exclusively!) You've moved to a big new city to do what? Work? There are people there, right? Yes, it's harder but not impossible to be friendly and open to others. There are actual physical skills like making eye contact and smiling that awkward introverts don't realize they lack (raises hand.) - Margaret	Get a hobby that requires you to leave your house. Take a pottery class, join an intermural sports team, really anything that you can't do at home by yourself. There are tons of options that don't necessarily require you to go out and drink. Now it will require you to talk to people, because no one is going to just randomly friend you, so go out and push yourself out of your comfort zone. I would recommend taking an improv class. You'll be surrounded by people who want to support you and who are just generally nice people. - Jesse	I'm introverted, and while not shy per se, I'd be perfectly content not to talk to anyone all day! Sometimes I try to get myself in an "open to friends" mindset (aka practice) where I make chat with shopkeepers, food service workers, people on the bus, etc. Nothing crazy, just commenting on the weather, asking them about their day, etc. It puts me in a mindset where I'm open to making friends in public places as opposed to immediately scuttling off to be alone. I'd also say that there are more people like you than you think and if you just exist in the same place as people in an introverted way, I think people will be relieved to have the quiet companionship you can provide! Best of luck! - Kaitlin
18	Carly	I lost one of my best friends a few months ago to a car accident, and he was the first person who I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable with. It was easy with him, but it seems like those kinds of friendships are rare at this age since everyone is so busy. How do you find these kinds of friendships with new people? I usually find myself being the one who listens, but rarely gets listened to.	I've been someone who listens but rarely gets listened to A LOT in my life. Partly this is because I craved friendship and connection so much that even if a new friendship didn't feel quite right I'd go along with it. I think partly it's about becoming less afraid that you won't find your people--you don't have to befriend someone if it seems like they don't have room for YOU in the relationship! J
19	J	Over the years I have abruptly ended friendships because they were emotionally draining and/or creating negativity in my life. It was never one event that triggered the parting, but a series of small events that ultimately led me to ghosting these people. They eventually figured out how I felt, but don't know why. I have no regrets, but I do often wonder if I handled things badly. Do I owe them explanations?	It can be confusing for the person you've left, but no. You don't owe explanations, unless you think that would allow you to continue the friendship. It doesn't give anyone better feelings about leaving the friendship. I'll give you one word of advice, though - be prepared for when this happens to you (which it will) and remind yourself that friendship is not a contractual obligation and no one owes you their time and energy. It's awkward on both sides of that gap. - Margaret	A wise therapist once told me that we meet and connect with people at certain points in our lives for certain reasons, and that it's perfectly normal to move in different directions and let go when the relationships no longer work (friends, partners, jobs). I think that in the personal realm, it's important to distinguish between acquaintences who are friendly and actual friends (work friends/classmates often fall under the first category, but get mistakenly moved to the second category because you spend so much time with them). It's also important to understand your behaviors/habits when establishing/maintaining relationships because how you do this will set the stage for how the friendship operates (e.g. if you start out giving a lot of time/money/etc., then in order to maintain the relationship, you'll have to continue doing this unless you can renegotiate the terms). As far as ghosting goes, sometimes things just reach their natural conclusion or you have an epiphany that causes you to simply let go. I've found that trying to explain to someone why you are letting go or leaving is usually only worthwhile if you are looking to actually save the relationship. Otherwise, it's just kind of an annoying way of telling them what they're doing wrong. Also, cut yourself a lot of slack. You're going to make mistakes and handle things less than optimally because you're human -- and the people who truly love and value you will understand this. --Mary	It still makes me cry when I read this article, mourning/acknowledging that “sister ship” that didn’t carry me, even as I fully embrace the ship I’m on now. There is no right or wrong ship to be on. It’s just a choice. I wish you all the best.	No, you don't owe them explanations. With that said, closure can be theraputic but there's certainly no guarentee that it will end with a happy ending. If you abruptly closed a door on a friendship, it may not always be wise to pry it back open and open up old wounds. Some people may appreciate the explanation, some may not. Ultimately, what is your goal? Are you trying to make amends, reflect on past behavior, or justify your actions? - John
20	Vivian	I have very little desire for relationships; friendships and romance. I am, seriously, like 80% accepting and okay with that. It is foreign to people who ask me questions about those things and especially my family. Is this common or am I one of few who feel this way? It only bugs me when people start asking questions about it. When I am doing something by myself, I am completely happy and content.	While I don't think it's the prevailing attitude of people, I think you're fine! Some of us need people more than others, or feel energized by being around others and connecting to people - others of us feel drained by people, and perfectly content on our own. I've aways been someone with very few friends, and while I think, every so often, about how this makes me a bit of an "antisocial" person and maybe unusual, or I look at photos of people and think, "wouldn't it be nice ...", but ultimately, I've come to see that every time I'm in a social situation, or have a friend who seems to really need me too much, I back away and prefer my own company. I've never sought out romantic relationships too often, and the few that I've had have been enough. I've also always been more career driven than most people I know, and after many years, I've come to accept that about myself. I think others will always think people unlike them are 'odd', but that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, or need to change simply to comply with some outside few of acceptability.	You're a classic introvert. You get your energy from being alone, not from being with other people. There is nothing wrong with this! However, you do have to learn to deal well with Extroverts, because there will be times you need other people. Dealing with people is a skill, and you can sharpen this skill set with some well-crafted lines about how you're living your best life, and how you have things the way you want them. -Holly
21	Emily	I have a toxic friend that I am trying to distance myself from. She is incredibly draining and energy sucking and projects her personal stress and anger onto her friends. She seems to have a constant hostility emanating off of her and is quick to snap into anger or feeling like she’s being “attacked”. I am less happy and more insecure whenever I am around her. She has been this way ever since her and her boyfriend of three years broke up this past April. I am in a relatively new relationship and she resents me whenever I have plans with my boyfriend that I won’t drop for her when she decides she wants to do something on a whim. We share a few close friends and often all hang out as a group and I don’t want to lose THOSE girls as friends. But there is one big problem: our parents are best friends with each other. We consider her family an extension of our own (her parents are my sister’s godparents), and have been since we were babies, so there would be no possible way to eradicate her from my life without causing a huge rift in our families with a 30 year long friendship. I have no idea what to do because I don’t want my issues with her to cause issues between our families but I also feel like she has been the most toxic presence in my life. Any advice?	Disclosure - I am also a 20-something :) BUT I'm sorry this is weighing on you so much! Firstly, I would try and speak with your close friends that you mentioned and ask them if they are feeling the same way? Not in a backstabbing way like you're going behind her back, but simply because you are concerned about making the situation better for everyone invloved. Then, depending on how that might go, I would consider starting to mention to her small things that upset you. If she keeps nagging you about not bailing on a date to get wasted at the club, etc., I would stay relaxed and simply say to her that you understand why she's asking but that she needs to know you are committed to other people as well and that you don't really want to talk about it anymore. Be serious, speak with conviction, and she will sense your emotions. In a sense - because it seems clear that eliminating her from her life wouldn't really work - try getting her to eliminate these toxic behaviors around you instead of getting rid of her all together. Hopefully that initiates the change you need. Best of luck :) - Mia	I agree with Mia that you should first try being direct, especially if there is a chance of improving the friendship. In general, I feel like you can distance yourself and choose not to communicate with her or spend as much time with her in a way that won't cause a rift in the family relations. In my opinion, if the parental relationships are strong, they shouldn't be dependent on your friendship existing. Sure, it may cause a little bit of awkwardness, but your personal happiness is what is most important. Have you tried expressing this to your parents? If you do want to distance yourself from your friend, and your parents have a little bit more of an understanding of what's going on, they may better equipped to handle the situation should it be raised in conversation.	So, you need to distance yourself from this friend while also maintaining a state of civil acquantanceship to keep up appearances for family and close friends? First priority is to explain to her, in terms she will understand, the space and respect for your needs that you expect of her. This may be phrased along generous lines as, "Hey, you have the emotional maturity to understand why I both care about you and also need my space. If you wanted this space from me, you know I would give it to you unconditionally and with respect. I'm sure you are capable of doing the same." This may not be true but it sets a high bar of expectation for her to try to achieve. Second priority is to keep up appearances. Ask for advice from the most understanding adult about how to handle the situation. Adults usually have the emotional wisdom to know how to navigate these sort of things with sensitivity. Try to frame the conversation with her in terms of a common desire or goal: to continue your mutual friendship and maintain better relationships with your circle of friends. Have her hear you out on how she affects you and ask her if she can try to be more considerate of your feelings when asking for things of you going forward. -Drake
22		What do the color codes mean? Why are some boxes yellow, green etc?
23	Alexis	This is another friend question. I'm in my late 20's and I have gotten better at cutting out my friends who only bring negativity into my life. However, I have one friend who I just can't do this with. We've been friends since childhood and she's my only "back home" friend who I know would drop anything to come help me if I needed it. However, we're so incompatable and she is so very unaware of who she is. I really value when people are self-aware and know their positive and negative tendencies. Now I know I'm not always an easy person to deal with, but she exhausts me. I know her family damanged her and she needs to boast about how amazing everyone thinks she is to compensate for how much she was put down by her parents, but when she's not spending 90% of her time commandeering our calls and using it to pat her own back, I feel like she takes that time to insult me. When I try to approach her issues with her she gets insanely defensive and always turns it around so I've just given up. I don't want to lose one of the most loyal friends I have, but I dread every phone call I get from her and I feel horrible about that. Any advice?	From my experience, you have a few options. You can try being open and honest and being assertive and put boundaries in place. Using 'I feel...' and 'I need...' statements might seem like fluff, but it makes for a more productive conversation than 'you always...'. Another option is to slowly cut her out of your life. I had to do this recently and it is hard. I grieved that loss, but in the end I was grieving the friendship we had in the past. Boundaries were an important learning curve for my mental and emotional well being - Amanda
24	Drake	How does one break patterns of desitracting fixations to certain entertainment sources that may be inhibiting you from completing the things you really need to do? Such as getting off reddit/facebook/other social media site to spend that free time learning about & finding health insurace, working on job applications, or negotiating cheaper car insurance? Is it some combination of mindfulness and discipline that breaks procrastination, is it using Parkinson's law against yourself with imposing deadlines, or is there a better way to catch yourself from running away from the challenging or scary things to the easy entertainment & endless feeds?	Part of the 'adulting' thing is that no parent is there to tell you to stop being online or watching tv, etc. and get out there and do what you need to do. You need to make a concerted effort to get yourself on track, however you work best. Maybe it's making a schedule for yourself and sticking to it - "x number of minutes researching health insurance", etc. Maybe it's setting a timer for being done with your social feeds, and actually listening to said timer. Again, no one can make you do anything, just you, and that can sometimes suck when you'd rather being avoiding the things that overwhelm you.
25	Anonymous	How do you deal with being friends with people that make significantly more money than you? My situation: I live/work in the SF Bay Area at a nonprofit. Because I am a transplant living in the smack dab middle of Silicon Valley, many of my friends work in tech, specifically as software engineers at companies such as Google, Facebook, LinkedIn, Amazon, etc. Every time we hang out they have no problem spending money, whether it's for dinner, drinks at the bar, etc. Though I really can't afford to spend the way they do, I usually just tag along because I want to hang out with them and I'm ashamed to admit that I'm unable to afford everything they can afford (I can't even afford to move out of my family's home). It's getting exhausting living above my means and barely being able to pay off my credit card statements every month. In addition, I feel so inadequate when I hang out with them since I always feel like they are just so much smarter and more put together in life, even though I know that is not the case by any means. How do I combat these feelings?	I totally feel you! I recently moved to downtown LA, another expensive area and I'm currently unemployed. Many of my friends are willing to spend money when they go out as well so I try to suggest happy hours at local spots or find local events i.e. a cover band at a bar with drink specials. Still just as much fun with not as much $$
26		Hi! Not sure if anyone will read this but would anyone be interested in forming a 20-somethings support group of sorts? This spreadsheet was a great idea (thanks Death Sex and Money) and I think it would be awesome to take this a step further!	That sounds like a great idea! like a facebook group or something?
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